YOU ARE NOT ALONE: REAL LIFE STORIES

Anonymous Notes From Picky People - Good Girl

I had what seemed like a relatively normal childhood except that my father did punish me a little too much. There were way too many spankings compared to how I knew I must have been behaving. Now I realize it set me up for self destructive and self punishing behavior.

I was also raised Catholic. My mom was a bit of a prude and my parents didn't 'sleep' together. By the time I was old enough to know about sex, I realized that my parents just didn't have sex anymore and those anti-sexual overtones rubbed off on me. I seem to remember a moment when my mom ridiculed my dad about something sexual and saying that it was disgusting.

For me it wasn't disgusting at all… I loved to make out with guys, but being catholic, I remained a virgin until my early twenties. I was a good girl… kind of… You know what they say about Catholic kids don’t you… they do everything, but… That was me.

I ended up sleeping with a guy I really fell in love with. We didn't get married, but it was a very serious relationship. I don't remember picking at my face more than casual cleaning until around this point of my life. I started really going at my face when we were splitting up. I know now I was punishing myself for having sex and for not being good enough for him to marry me. That is a very simplistic explanation for a complex issue, but really if I had to boil it down – it really comes down to that.

One of the places I pick is around my bikini line because I wax my legs and bikini area sometimes, I get ingrown hairs on my inside hips just outside the bikini line. I justify myself that it wasn’t on my face, so it was OK. Some justification, huh?

I think picking down there makes it less likely that I would want to have a guy see me naked – and thus I am less likely to be sexually intimate with someone – so we're back to that theme again.

If I have a bunch of red blotches and scabs on my thighs – there is no way I am gonna let anyone around hat area. I am disgusted that I make myself disgusting to others.

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