YOU ARE NOT ALONE: REAL LIFE STORIES
Anonymous Notes From Picky People – Violent Tendancies
Picking my skin numbs my feelings – It takes me away from the world and my problems. I am completely and totally focused on one thing. And it is one thing I have total control over – I can dig and dig and eventually I will have what I am going for. Hopefully I won’t have to dig too far to get out the crap inside my skin, but if I have to literally cut it out – I will have vindication. I will have success. It will be ok.
I realize now my behavior borders on violence in a way. At first I thought I was just being assertive, now I realize that it is more aggressive like I am attacking myself. I know that part of the reason I pick is punishment for the negative thoughts and feelings I have throughout the day. It’s not the whole reason, but it is part of it.
I realize I have a lot of pent up anger and feel like screaming sometimes. I have actually done primal screaming in my car which helps alleviate some of the tension, but it always seems to be lurking there, literally just under my skin.
So the tension and relief aspect of skin picking is a big time issue for me. They call it excoriate – that is such an evil sounding word to describe what is an evil habit, gouging at you’re your own flesh. And if I just think in terms of the gouging – maybe that will help me?
The more I try to hold back the picking urge the stronger it becomes. If I find myself distracted by something that keeps me from picking, like a movie or tv or an activity, sometimes the tension builds up surreptitiously.
It’s funny, but have found that biting down on a pencil or chewing on something – even a chunk of hair has sometimes been a comfort during these bouts.